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Miscarriage. Something I hoped I would never write about on here.
The only reason why I decided to open up about this is because hearing other people’s similar stories helped me so much in the grieving process. Nothing will take away the pain, but knowing you are not alone in this is comforting.
If you are currently going through this, please know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
I actually had no idea that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. I had no idea it was so common.
When I got pregnant, of course I knew there is a risk of miscarriage – we are all aware of that. However, deep down I always felt like it would never happen to me.
This is my missed miscarriage story.
How it happened
If you are new around here, I already have a 3 year old son. And I am now beyond grateful for that. So we were trying for baby number 2 and this summer I got pregnant.
We were beyond excited! It was supposed to be our April baby.
I spent those first 3 months of pregnancy feeling sooo sick and so tired. I had quite bad nausea, I had lots of food aversions and I felt exhausted constantly. Probably also because I had switched my coffee to decaf and I was running around after a toddler this time around.
I was scheduled for my first ultrasound scan when I was supposed to be 11 weeks and 5 days (according to my calculations). I was excited, but nervous.
My husband and I went in for the scan and everything looked perfectly fine, baby was wriggling in there and growing. They said I was measuring about a week earlier than I thought, but that baby looked fine, they could see the heartbeat, it was all good.
I asked if they thought there was an issue, but they said I most likely just ovulated later than I thought, which is why I was measuring a bit earlier. But since there was a heartbeat, I had absolutely no bleeding, they were not concerned at all.
They rescheduled me for another scan in 2 weeks time.
I left that room feeling reassured, happy that all looked good. As my second scan date approached, I was supposed to be nearly 13 weeks and I was feeling relieved that I was reaching that milestone that all pregnant women look forward to. The milestone that helps you breathe a little easier – the second trimester. We were excited to announce the pregnancy soon.
It was the 15th of October. Because of Covid, my scan was rebooked at a different hospital and I had to go in by myself that day – my husband waited outside in the car.
I was so excited to see the baby again. The thought of miscarriage wasn’t even crossing my mind at this point, I felt like I was “in the clear”.
The sonographer started doing the scan and I was happy to see the baby had grown. It looked like a proper baby, arms and legs and everything. She kept measuring the CRL (length of the baby) and I could see it was still measuring a bit smaller than we thought, it was only measuring 12 weeks and 2 days. And by this point I was supposed to be 13 weeks.
The sonographer went quiet for a while. I thought she was just concentrating. The next thing she said to me was: “Are you alone today?”.
I thought that was odd and I said no, my husband was waiting for me outside the hospital.
Then she turned to me and said the words that will forever ache:
“I’m so sorry, but I don’t see a heartbeat today.”
My heart sunk. I was in shock. Then the tears started flowing.
She said it was nothing I did wrong and that it was most likely a chromosomal problem with the baby. Everyone at the hospital was amazing and compassionate. But I felt like I was numb to most of the things I was told after that.
Missed Miscarriage Options
A consultant then came in to talk to me. When your baby dies, but you haven’t actually miscarried it yet that’s called a missed miscarriage.
So she started talking me through the options that I had at this point:
- Natural miscarriage – where you wait at home for it to happen naturally. Which can take a few days or it can take several weeks.
- Medical miscarriage – where they give you a tablet to basically induce labor/ miscarriage, but you still wait for it to happen at home.
- Surgical miscarriage – where you go into hospital and they perform surgery to take it out. I was told it is no longer called a D&C (at least at this hospital), as it is a different procedure, with less risks. And it involved dilation and a suction device to remove it all. It involves no cuts or stitches.
I was so in shock and I obviously had no idea what I wanted to do at this point. She said I absolutely did not have to decide at that moment and gave me flyers to read at home with more details.
I went home and I spent the next few days on the sofa, crying. I couldn’t believe what had happened. Our whole world was turned upside down.
After a while I started feeling so angry.
I guess it’s part of the grieving process, but I felt beyond angry that I didn’t have an answer. I didn’t know WHY it happened. I couldn’t understand how my baby had a heartbeat at 10 weeks, and then no heartbeat at 12 weeks.
I felt angry at my body for not giving me any signs that something was wrong. Even for a week after I was told the news, I still felt very pregnant with morning sickness. I could feel the baby bump already. None of my jeans fit me anymore.
I felt angry that I had spent the past 3 months sick and it felt like it was all for nothing. I know it’s normal to feel that way now. But it all felt so cruel and unfair.
What I decided to do
I decided to go in for the surgery about a week after I had that scan. I don’t think there is a right choice in situations like this. Rather what is right for you.
I felt like I needed it to be over (at least physically). It was beyond upsetting to me just waiting around at home while still feeling so pregnant.
By the time I went in for surgery the baby had already passed for 2 weeks and my body was still not giving any signs of miscarrying.
The procedure is done under general anesthesia. And while it was mentally hard to go into hospital for that, on my own, I don’t think it was as terrible as I had expected.
I am still recovering from it, both physically and emotionally.
And while I don’t think I will ever fully “get over it”, I am hopeful that time will lessen the pain a bit.
1 in 4 women have suffered a pregnancy loss. You most likely have someone around you who has gone through this. It changes you.
It should not be taboo. It should not be a topic we tiptoe around. Talking about it helps a lot of people, including myself.
If you’re going through this yourself, please know that you are not alone.